Every so often something so disturbing occurs that the only way to get on with your life is to document it. One of those things happened to me on Friday.
I was returning a machine to a guy living in Caroline Springs (and that probably should have been warning enough). All was going well – I plugged his PC back in, demonstrated that it was working correctly and that the virus that I’d removed had been the cause of the slowdowns and lockups that he’d been experiencing. He paid me and I got into the car and started navigating my way out of the maze of twisty passages, all alike (only a geek would equate a housing estate with Zork).
Suddenly… I felt an itch. You know… down there.
It’s not something I’m proud of but sometimes it happens. And when you get an itch, you really have to scratch it. So, while still driving, I vaguely prodded at the approximate area of my pants where the itch had occurred.
Something pricked me.
What was down there? A piece of gravel? A twig? I had no idea how anything could have gotten into my underpants, but the evidence seemed incontrovertible. I reached in to find what it might be.
Oh my fucking god, something was moving in there, and it was enormous!
Naturally I freaked out. Remember, I was driving – the last thing you want is to have a head-on collision and end up on the Darwin Awards page under the heading, ‘Man becomes distracted by enormous spider in trousers, crashes car’. Therefore I couldn’t just tear off my pants… I had to pull over. All the while, horrible fantasies were coursing through my brain, all of which involving nasty creatures with sharp teeth nibbling at my genitals, each one larger than the last.
It seemed like minutes passed before I could safely get to the side of the road and start investigating the nightmarish demon that hid behind my fly. And it looked something like this.
I can hear R. Lee Ermey in my head shouting ‘I’ll bet that you’re the kind of bug that would bite a guy in the balls and not even have the goddamned common courtesy to give him a reach-around!’
That’s it? A slater, a common woodlouse?
Bah!
My wife has lived through a big black house spider up her denims. And over the weekend, I saw slides of the Giant ACID SPITTING Millipedes that used to haunt my sister’s crib in Papua New Guinea.
The philosopher in us all must be tempted to ask why it had waited until that moment to start frolicking in your trouser-region, and what had it been doing prior to that moment (and where)?
I’m chortling! You really had me going there for a minute. I’ve been crawled over by mega spiders, and scorpions have freaked me out on too-hot Summer hols. The louse probably tried to party in your pants cos there’s no fun to be had in Caroline Springs…
Ok that would be uncomfortable…
BUT..
Meh!
Least that bastard didn’t have fangs!
*remembers being 12yrs old, taking a nap in my bungalow, wakes up to a huntsmen the size of my hand taking a nap on my bloody moccasin*
Needless to say, he ooozed goo before he could leap to safety!!
Lots of gum trees in Dandenong..they make a great breeding ground for spiders. And they still give me the creeps to this day…