I had the ignition leads in the Telstar replaced last week, which stopped it running roughly once the engine had warmed up (a common issue with the V6 engine, my mechanic says he replaces them every 80,000 kms as a matter of course). I was in a mechanical mood so I decided I’d spend part of my weekend replacing the power antenna (it had apparently died about 5 years ago).

I went to the local auto parts shop and picked up a suitable-looking antenna and also grabbed a wiper blade to replace the rather tatty one on the rear window. Replacing the wiper wasn’t an issue… 60 seconds and it was done. No more squeaking. I was feeling brave now, so I ventured into the boot and started removing trim in search of the existing antenna. I found that the power cable had been unplugged, and naturally plugged it back in. The antenna started whirring and doing its thing, with only one small issue… the mast didn’t actually move.

Naturally I yanked the antenna out and took it apart, to find the internals full of grease and no obvious reason why the gear wasn’t engaging the toothed cable that attached to the end of the mast. I figured, ‘Hey, the mast is all old and stuff, and I already have a replacement, let’s just replace the entire thing’.

…forty minutes later I’m scratching my head, trying to work out how to align things nicely, and I start shaking as the realisation that I might be irrevocably fucking the car up sinks in. Finally the penny drops, I get the new antenna slotted into place and manage to keep most of the old mounting hardware in place so the antenna still looks stock from the outside. Now to work on the power.

The car’s loom has 3 connections plus ground, which I wasn’t expecting. I expected to see a red 12V lead and another coloured lead which would supply 12V when the ignition was switched on. I don’t have a multimeter so I start experimenting. Finally I get the antenna going up when I turn the car on, and down when it’s off. Perfect. I can’t plug the actual antenna cable in because I have two coax cables with male ends, but I can buy an adapter for that later. I get into the car and wind the power window down.

The radio shuts off.

What. The… Fuck?

I stop winding the window down, and the radio comes back on. I’ve screwed up the wiring somehow. I start sweating. I run back to the boot and hastily unplug the antenna. The radio’s still acting weird. I try to start the car. Nothing… just crazy clicking, and then the alarm starts chirping. It starts hailing. ohmyfuckinggodwhathaveIdoneIvefuckedupthecarohjesusohshitfuckfuckfuck…

I run inside and call the RACV, and while I’m waiting for them I figure out what the problem likely is, and the RACV guy confirms it. The battery’s fucked. It won’t hold a charge. Okay, it would hold enough to start the car, but not enough to play the radio for an hour and power a couple of motors. In comes the battery guy with a replacement battery, $139 thankyewverymuch.

The car’s running fine again. The antenna is now completely unplugged, waiting until I get that little coax adapter… but I bought a multimeter so I can proceed with confidence next time!

When I say the car’s working fine, I actually mean it’s in the shop having a leaking brake caliper repaired, but hopefully the end is in sight. At least, it will be after I get the valve cover gaskets replaced to stop that oil leak, and I really want to find out what’s creaking in the back on bumpy roads, and…

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