Pants in Motion

Modern cars suck. Modern car companies suck even harder.

The cars suck because they’re appliances, designed to be driven by complacent incompetents. Designed not to be beautiful, or to be inspiring, but to fill market verticals and hit price points. To be safe and simple, to not ruffle any feathers.

This is what passes as a sporty car in 2010:

Squint a little and it’s a Prius.

Car companies suck because they’re ashamed of what they produce. Every press release reads like an apology: “Our latest version of this model consumes X less fuel and produces Y less hydrocarbons, and we’re really sorry – we’ll produce even less next time.” For fuck’s sake, all the fun has gone out of the industry.

The time to be interested in cars was either about 20 years ago, before the cars were loaded to the gills with air bags and reverse parking sensors that gave nebbishes the courage to tote their hateful children to the supermarket. Or in another 20-30 years from now when electric cars aren’t pathetic jokes.

Right now, the car is dead.

Well, I attempted to do some freelance writing and failed. I decided to put this up here so at least my time wasn’t entirely wasted.

Nissan LEAF: The electric car with its head in the cloud

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The 1-series is the subject of much debate among people who think of themselves as ‘car people.’ It’s a relatively unloved member of the BMW family and is often derided as ugly, slow and pointless. Often all three at once. Launched in 2004 as a five door hatch and codenamed E81, the range has been expanded with the addition of the 3-door hatch (not sold here), the coupé and cabriolet.

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Every so often the lottery gets to a Frankly Rather Stupid Point – a point at which I cannot resist buying a ticket. This is one of those weeks.

When I buy a ticket the sensible part of my brain knows that I’m not going to win anything, so I have to try to get my money’s worth of DREAMS. During the last couple of days I have been thinking about which GT car I would buy if I had more money than I could sensibly cope with.

The line-up so far is:

• The Aston Martin DB9 – to hell with what a certain opinionated editor thinks, this car is gorgeous. Sure, Aston Martin can only build one successful shape these days, but I could say exactly the same bloody thing about Porsche, and we love them to death too.

  

  The downside is that under all that beautiful coachwork is a monocoque that looks like it was designed in a shed.

• The Maserati GranTurismo S – not as pretty as the Aston (it looks a bit tubby from some angles), but that Ferrari engine sounds like a host of angels being rubbed down with sensuous oils and then set on fire. My God, it’s a beautiful noise.

  

  Of course, being made by Italians it will probably fall apart or catch on fire within the first year, so there’s that. But what a year it would be.

• The Porsche Panamera S – just as awkward to look at in the flesh as it appears in pictures, but it does grow on you (…somewhat) over time. Certainly you have to admire Porsche’s bravery, but every time they try to make something that isn’t a 911 something goes a bit wrong. The interior is so nice (I’ve driven one – writeup here) that I could possibly overlook the exterior, and they’re now available in Australia with a manual transmission thanks to Lachlan Murdoch.

  
  The downside to the Porsche, besides the awkward shape, is the least inspiring engine note of the lot.

Which Grand Tourer would you choose? Let me know in the comments, especially if you have a favourite that I haven’t mentioned.

Edit: the Panamera isn’t really a GT either, but until Porsche bring out the rumoured 2+2 version of the Panamera (which looks MUCH better on paper), it’s the closest thing they have.